After the Rum
by elisheva
Summary: A random exchange Jack experiences after waking up from a drinking spell.


**AN: Not my characters...just my words.**

Tha first thin' I feel be me heavy head. Tha first thin' I hear be roarin' in me ears. Tha first thin' I see be wood by me face.

What tha hell?

Push up meself ta hit me head hard on some...thin'. Does _not_ make head feel any better.

It be tha spigot on a rum barrel. Now what...? Ah. Vague memories o' lyin' on me back while tha rum poured down in me mouth.

Right.

Sniff. Sniff, sniff. Smell like I been pickled in rum juice. Not a bad smell, mind, but me thinks one could theoretically get their inebriation on by standin' near. Should charge.

That be an idea! Chargin' people fer me thoughts an' company. Hm. Store 'way fer future thought.

Watchin' me head this round, careful o' me surroundin's. Stumblin' almost second nature fer me now so there be habitually off balancin' as made me way ta tha door ta immerge meself.

Almost there when door opens itself an' there stands tha haughty princess herself.

"What the bloody hell have you gotten yourself in?"

That deserves a smirk. "An' what exactly brings ye ta tha demeanin' conclusion that I be doin' somethin' wit' somethin' I not be in?"

Ah, an eye roll. Must do better. "You smell of rum."

"Lovely scent that be. Spice mixed wit' a blend o' sweet an' just a hint o' island breeze."

Arms crossed, frowning. Better. "What you smell like is grog and months of unwashed skin."

"Years, luv."

"Not a compliment, Jack. You need a thorough dunking."

"Can't wait ta see me wet body, eh?"

A smile? "Actually your clothes could stand to be washed as well."

Shiver at tha thought. "Bite yer tongue, Lizzie, or ye be findin' tha wrong end o' tha plank."

With an eyebrow raised, she looks more o' a haughty queen. Hm. Queen Elizabeth. I like tha sound o' such. "You'll not make me walk for such a suggestion. And truly, when I tell you such, I speak for the whole crew. I could get drunk just smelling you."

Ha! "That be what I thought."

"Was that your brilliant plan then? You bathe in rum for the good of man?"

"'Tis a good plan, Lizzie luv. Save on crew costs an' tha like."

"Except for the huge fact that there is rum all over the wood. Wasted."

"Nay, luv. Tha wood ne'er be wasted."

Was that a growl? "The _rum_."

"What 'bout me rum?"

Definitely a growl. "Give me your pistol so I may shoot you."

"I not be undead, luv, an' ye already used up yer one free pass ta kill me deadly."

"You are the most infuriating man."

"Have ta make me mark somehow."

"Oh, I'll not soon forget you, Jack Sparrow."

"_Captain_."

"Aye, of course. So, _Captain_, what shall we do about the mess?"

Adopt a confused look. "What mess?"

A foot stamps on tha ground. Could a temper tantrum erupt? "The. Rum. Split. Behind. You."

Take a glance. "Sweet goddess, what a mess. Lemme see. Ah! Send tha new guy down here. Tha one we picked up at Port Danica. Steve?"

"Philip."

"Aye, him."

Ther she goes, leanin' all o'er tha door like we be havin' a society social in me hold. "Before we go up top so I can push you into the ocean--"

"Keel-haul ye."

"I want to know why exactly were you down here getting smashed."

"That be a question? Not a very good question at that. Could have asked 'Why ye kiss tha board o' yer ship 'stead o' me?' or 'What is tha exact location o' where we be compared ta tha luner episodes that wax?' or e'en 'Why be tha sky blue, Jack?'"

"Fine. Why be tha sky blue, Jack?"

"All havin' a lot ta do wit' perceptions, Lizzie, an' tha rest, little as it be, ta imagination."

"I see. And the answer to my previous question?"

"I refer ye back ta me previous answer wit' a twist o' one more factor?"

"What?"

"Pirate."

Shiftin' she 'pears ta be this side o' wistful. "Jack, do you think you will ever answer a question straight?"

Hm... "Tha probability o' which happenin' given tha fact that ta answer such a statement asked in tha form ta disclose secrets would, in a matter o' fact, show e'en a slight bit o' me true form, be such a small number it not be worth mentionin'."

"Why were you and Will fighting?"

Huh. She not supposed ta be knowin' 'bout that. "I don't seem ta recollect that particular conversation wit' tha eunie, which on seconds, answers tha first question as I came ta drown me 'eartbreak o arguin' wit' me friend an' tha rum done did its job."

"No, Jack. You may have most people fooled but I happen to know you are _not_ as brainless as you would have people believe."

"An' here I thought ye be as fooled as sheep."

I get a giggle fer that. "I can honestly say I am most certainly _not_ a sheep."

"Bah!"

"Spill it, Sparrow!"

"Iffn ye be orderin' me 'round I perfer ye call me title."

"But jackass doesn't have the same ring to it."

"_Captain_."

"I prefer Jack." She sits, makin' herself comfy. "Jack..."

Have ta roll me eyes but comply. Somethin' in her face..."Shouldn't be tellin' ye. Go ask William."

"I tried. He's more closed mouthed than you are."

"I choose ta take that statement, wrap it round me head few times, an' decide ta take it as a compliment."

Pleadin' puppy dog eyes break me will.

"Tha discussion o' which ye allude ta that happened betwixt me onesis an' tha whelp, occurin' in me barracks as it were ta keep crew- an' ye- frum hearin' what we discussed when, in fact, we did argue, subsequently causin' me ta drink--"

"Jack, tell me there's a point to this rumbling."

"Ye, speakin' simply. William an' meself fought 'bout ye."

"Me?"

"Aye."

"Wherever for?"

"Tha whelp wants me ta turn me ship ta head fer Port Royal an' I, ta be honest, not feel inclined ta agree."

"How did it end up about me?"

"Well...ye see...told young William ta give me a good readon why I need be turnin' me ship in circles fer a lad. Tells me not fer him but fer Elizabeth, who has a strong desire ta be home once more. I tend ta disagreed once more an' we didn't quite see eye ta eye."

An angry glare. "And in all that neither one of you even _thought_ to ask my opinion?"

"Ta be perfectly honest tweren't 'nuff time, luv."

Her jumpin' up, murder in her eyes. Take a step back. "How dare he speak for me." Flaunts off, queen-like.

"So I be right?"

No answer.

Me thinks more rum be in order.


End file.
